


My Hell Isn't Where I'm Safe

by CastielFollowMe



Series: Single Dad Shiro Verse [57]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 06:38:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12953487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielFollowMe/pseuds/CastielFollowMe
Summary: Even Shiro was prone to having an episode, though it was rare. Still, when they happened, sometimes they were bad.





	My Hell Isn't Where I'm Safe

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Hi! I absolutely love your single dad shiro au! Could you write about shiro having a bad PTSD episode? Maybe when him and Allura and Coran are at the park with the kids? Thanks!"

 

_You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

_You’re not fine._

_You’re fine._

              Sometimes Shiro could tell when it was going to be a bad day. It was as if, over the years, he had come to learn when to notice the signs of when a bad day was going to come. Typically, a bad day meant a minor episode where Shiro would panic. It usually meant that his senses were heightened and hearing noises that weren’t actually there. It meant Shiro having to stay inside for  _hours_  watching as Keith played quietly.

              At first, Shiro had brought Keith over to his parent’s house during his first “episodes” after adopting Keith. Those had been hard and his parents had to physically come back to Shiro’s house and return Keith while promising Shiro that he was doing great as a dad. It took a couple of years but eventually Keith could stay with Shiro. Thankfully, Shiro’s episodes lessened in severity and amount over the years.

              Keith had learned to stay quiet and play by himself when his daddy was having a bad day.

              Shiro’s bad days were limited now.

              But even then, Shiro still had a  _really_  bad day.

              Really bad days were rare and hadn’t happened yet with Keith around. Shiro had gotten lucky to have had a really bad day while Keith was at a sleepover with Lance, Hunk and Pidge.

              However, when Shiro woke up that morning, the day that Keith was scheduled to celebrate continuing from first grade to second, with his friends, Shiro knew immediately that it was going to be a  _really_  bad day.

               _You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

              Shiro realized that in hindsight he probably should have canceled or stay home. There were some triggers that Shiro knew to avoid, but sometimes a really bad day came without any warnings, or any triggers. However, Keith had actually been so excited to go to the park for once. He wanted to show Red off to everyone and have fun, and Shiro knew that Keith might not get this excited again.

              He couldn’t cancel on his baby.

              So Shiro ignored the warning signs. He ignored the slight tremble to his hands or how he couldn’t look at the prosthetic on his arm. He ignored the buzzing in his ears and the heaviness behind his eyes.

              All for the sake of keeping that bright smile on Keith’s face.

              Keith was oblivious to all of Shiro’s turmoil. On any other day, he would have been attentive to even the slightest detail regarding his daddy. He was quite perceptive for a seven-year-old. However, like any kid, sometimes his attention drifted to far more important things. Like going to the park with his daddy and all his friends, and being able to finally bring Red now that she was old enough to go.

              Shiro fumbled with Keith’s seatbelt a couple of times. Once Red had even pushed her nose in between Shiro’s fingers and Keith’s seatbelt for some reason. She’d been nosing Shiro a lot today, like how she often nosed Keith. Luckily, after Red’s interference Shiro was able to buckle Keith up who was humming and waving his hands happily. It brought a brief smile to Shiro’s face.

              The drive to the park took longer than Shiro remembered. Though, that could be that he was on edge the entire time. He mentally sent a small prayer when they arrived at the park incident free.

              “Daddy! C’mon, we gotta go!” Keith shouted from his seat, trying to unbuckle himself. Beside him, Red barked happily at her master’s eagerness. To Shiro, the noise sounded like a drum clattering in his ears.

              “Alright baby,” Shiro swallowed thickly, remembering that he would not ruin this day for Keith.

               _You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

              “Hurry up daddy. Today we don’t have time for slowpokes!” Keith demanded as his dad unbuckled him. Red leapt out of the car and wagged her tail happily. She sat down proudly beside Shiro, waiting for their command to go. Shiro chuckled weakly as he pulled Keith out of his seat and onto his hip.

              Immediately, Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro’s neck and bounced in Shiro’s arms.

              To Shiro it felt like wire wrapping around his neck, squeezing – squeezing, squeezing – and fire crawling up his arm instead. Shiro picked up the pace to the park.

              “Uncle Kuro! Grandma, grandpapa!” Keith squealed happily and Shiro almost jerked back from the noise. Thankfully, Keith was too eager with greeting his parents for anyone to notice.

              “Keith, there’s my favorite nephew!” Shiro heard Kuro call towards them and Keith laughed. Suddenly, all Shiro could feel was someone trying to pull Keith out of his arms. Someone was trying to take Keith.

              “I’m your only nephew!” Keith giggled. Shiro’s grip tightened on Keith and he practically growled at whoever had touched Keith.

              “Ow, daddy?”

              Shiro blinked slowly, only to realize that it had been  _Kuro, his own brother,_  who was trying to hold Keith. Whom was reaching for his uncle. Shiro was nearly horrified that he had  _hurt_  his son, and everyone had witnessed it.

              Kuro was staring oddly at Shiro, halfway to reaching for Keith.

              “Hey bro, I’m just going to give my nephew a hug, alright?” Kuro said slowly and the buzzing in Shiro’s ears increased.

              “Um, a, um,” Shiro stammered unintelligibly. Gently, he pushed Keith into Kuro’s arms and swallowed thickly. He was thankful that Keith and Kuro, nor anyone else, said anything about Shiro’s behavior.

              “There’s my little man!” Kuro cheered, instantly puckering up and giving Keith a big kiss on the cheek. Keith giggled, already forgetting his dad’s strange behavior. After all, everyone acted weird sometimes, right? The Shirogane parents both swarmed Kuro and Keith, each taking a turn to hold Keith, comment on how big he was getting and giving their grandson a kiss.

              “Hello Shiro,” Shiro jumped when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Quickly, he turned to see Allura smiling at him. Beside her, Coran was setting a large plate of food onto the picnic table the family had.

_You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

              “H-Hi Allura. Coran.” Shiro smiled and nodded to the two. If they noticed anything strange about Shiro’s behavior, neither one of them said anything. Quickly, Shiro reached for a water bottle and nodded his thanks to Allura. He was quite thirsty.

              “Is everyone else here?” Shiro asked, after several large gulps of water. Even after that, his mouth was still dry as a desert and parched. Allura nodded her head towards the playground with a smile.

              “Yeah. You two were the last ones. The other kids are playing with Lance’s family right now.” Allura explained and sure enough, Shiro could see Lance, Hunk and Pidge surrounded by the rest of Lance’s family.

              “Keith, honey,” Shiro called over, ignoring the quake in his legs. Keith beamed, running over with Red. Quietly, Red nose at the palm of Shiro’s hand, much to his confusion. He ignored her and bent down over Keith. “Lance, Hunk and Pidge are all here. They’re over by the playground. Wanna go?”

              “Yes! C’mon girl, we need to show Lance how amazing you are!” Keith jumped up and down happily before tugging on Red’s leash. Red barked happily and followed after her master. She paused to look back at Shiro, only to be pulled away and soon enough she was turning her attention to Keith.

              Shiro stayed on his knees for a long time, suddenly feeling drained.

               _You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

              “Shiro, honey?” Shiro blinked back black spots when he heard his mom’s voice from above him. He stood up in a slight daze, not even realizing that he was scratching at the edges of his prosthetic. “Are you feeling okay?”

              “Yeah son, you’re looking a bit pale,” Thace commented, standing beside his wife and son.

              “I’m fine.” Shiro attempted to smile at his parents, still scratching at his arm.

              “Are you sure? Do you need to sit down?” Now Kuro had joined them and suddenly Shiro had too many people around him.

               _“I’m fine,”_  Shiro stressed tightly.

              “Shiro, you look like you’re about to collapse! Is everything okay?” Coran exclaimed as he and Allura joined the family next to Shiro. Shiro sucked in a deep breath, trying to get away from everyone. There were too many people around him.

               _You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

_You’re fine._

              “Takashi, sit. We’ll take care of you.”

               _You’re not fine._

              “Don’t touch me!” Shiro practically shouted. He wrenched his arm away from the person who had grabbed his arm. However, in that moment Shiro couldn’t see his mother or father or Kuro and Allura. Rather, in that moment all he could see were the dark shadows of those who had tortured Shiro. Those who had taken his arm and nearly stolen his life.

              “GET AWAY FROM ME!” Shiro stumbled back feeling a table behind him. With a sudden burst of strength, Shiro grabbed the table and threw it between him and his tormentors, hoping that it would be enough to get between them.

              He had to get away from them.

              He couldn’t let them hurt them.

              Not again.

x.V.x

              “Get away!” Kuro shouted after Shiro’s stunning scream. It had startled  _everyone_  in the park. Including other children and parents at the playground. Thankfully, they were all too far away to be a problem. However, he had snatched Allura and Coran and shoved them back after Shiro had grabbed the picnic table filled with food and _threw it at them._ His parents didn’t even hesitate despite their horror and ducked away. All of their food had smashed and crumbled to the floor and the table was flipped on its side, as Shiro ducked behind that table.

              Kuro cursed, as he heard children crying and parents leaving in fear. He ignored them all and instead focused on Shiro who was still crouching behind the picnic table. He  _knew_  that something had been up with Shiro. He had known that there was something wrong with his brother the moment he and Keith greeted them.

              Kuro knew the signs of a PTSD episode. For god’s sake, that was Kuro’s  _life._  However, he was ashamed to admit that he had ignored the signs because this was Takashi. Takashi who was invincible. Takashi who was the one to calm Kuro down from an attack. Takashi who  _never_  had an episode in the four years that Kuro had been back.

              “Takashi?” Kuro and Shiro’s mother whimpered. Thace was holding her back and Kuro swallowed heavily. He saw Coran helping Allura up, both with looks of confusion on their faces.

              “He’s back there, mom. He can’t hear you.” Kuro said hoarsely.

              “Back where?” Their mother cried.

              “Allura, Coran, please get everyone away.” Kuro continued, making sure to keep his voice quiet. “I don’t think Shiro will…hurt anyone,” A lump formed in his throat and Kuro forced himself to speak past it. “There are too many people.”

              “Kuro, where is he?”

              “Dad, get mom away. You don’t…Shiro won’t want you to see this.” Kuro continued.

              “Kuro! Where is he?!”

              “Dad, please. Get Keith and the kids too.”

              “Kuro!”

              “He’s back in that fucking place that took his arm!” Kuro finally shouted, rounding on his parents. His mother bit back another sob and guilt crept into Kuro’s chest.

              “Get away!” Shiro screamed again upon hearing raised voice and he kicked at the table in front of him.

              “Mom, please. He thinks he’s back there. He won’t be able to tell that we’re here to help him. Right now, all he knows is that he’s in pain and that he has to  _survive.”_  Kuro whispered painfully. He felt his heart squeeze upon seeing the tears in his mother and father’s eyes. “He’ll be fine. He just needs – he needs space.”

              With that, Kuro left his parents without another word and began creeping towards the table. It was a long shot, but Kuro was hoping to be able to sneak up on Shiro.

              From the corner of his eyes, he could see that parents and children were all leaving with Allura and Coran leading them.

              “We’re so sorry. He’s ex-military and something triggered a flashback…”

              However, Kuro’s luck was running out especially since Shiro had been  _special ops._  A higher status than Kuro in the military. Which meant, that he could clearly hear Kuro coming for him. Kuro barely had time to duck when a  _watermelon_  was thrown at him with deadly accuracy. He would be that if Shiro was in a clearer state of mind, he  _wouldn’t_ have missed.

              “Takashi, it’s Kuro. I’m your brother.” Kuro tried to soothe, only to have to avoid several sandwiches being thrown at his head.

              “Don’t you  _dare_  talk about my brother! You leave him alone!” Shiro snarled furiously. He looked over the table, glaring at Kuro with clouded eyes and sweat sheening around his face.

              “Takashi, I’m fine. I’m okay. So are you. You’re safe Takashi.” Kuro felt the lump growing in his throat.

              “Stop calling me that! Stop!” Shiro screamed, hands over his ears. He grabbed a can of soda and aimed for Kuro. Kuro grunted when he wasn’t fast enough, and the soda slammed into his shoulder.  _Goddamn that hurt._

              “Takashi…” The lump was growing bigger and bigger in Kuro’s throat. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t used to being the one to help, rather than receiving it. He didn’t know how to help his brother. He didn’t know how to help  _this._

              Takashi threw another can of soda, to which Kuro managed to avoid.

              “Daddy?”

              “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Kuro hissed, furious when his eyes started watering. Both he and Shiro snapped their attention to where Keith was standing. Unattended and alone. And  _far too close_  to Shiro in this moment.

              Kuro could see Keith’s body trembling and tears racing down his cheeks.

              “Keith, no! Go back to grandma and grandpa! No!” Kuro yelled, turning Shiro’s attention to him.

              “You have my son?! How did you get him?! He’s supposed to be safe!” Shiro practically shrieked, causing Keith to whimper. “How dare you touch him!”

              Shiro suddenly jumped over the table, before grabbing Kuro but the front of his jacket. Kuro resisted the urge to yelp, clawing at Kuro’s arms to keep Shiro from grabbing at his skin. The two rolled around together and grunted as they fought.

              “Daddy! Daddy!” Keith cried.

              “How dare you touch my son?!” Shiro snarled, eyes blazing with murderous fury. Kuro could see the tears gathering in his eyes, underneath all that fury.

              “Shiro, please. It’s Kuro. It’s me.” Kuro pleaded, struggling to keep Shiro’s hands from wrapping around his neck. “You’re safe! Keith is safe! He was never in danger!”

              “How did you even find him?!” By now, the tears were racing down Shiro’s cheeks and his entire body was shaking. Kuro’s arms were straining under the pressure of Shiro’s hands. “How?!”

              “Takashi!”

              “Daddy!”

              Kuro’s eyes widened when he saw a flash of metal under the sunlight. Grunting, Kuro used all of his strength in order to push Shiro off him, knocking the pocket knife out of his hands, before rolling them over. Shiro bucked his hips wildly, howling the entire time and cursing his captors. The entire time, Kuro forced himself to keep a tight hold on Shiro, despite every howl breaking his heart.

              “Daddy, no daddy!” Keith sobbed, sprinting over to Kuro and Shiro. Shiro had sobbed upon hearing Keith’s voice but Kuro forced himself to keep Shiro from moving. “You’re hurting him. Stop it! You’re hurting him!” Kuro felt Keith clawing at him, trying to get him off Shiro but Kuro wouldn’t budge. His heart broke at the fact that Keith had to witness this.

              “Keith. Stop. Your daddy is hurt and I’m trying to help him.”

              “You’re hurting him! He’s – he’s crying. Stop! Why is he crying?” Keith sobbed. Shiro wailed underneath Kuro and Kuro didn’t know how much longer he could do this. Thankfully, in that instant, Allura had snatched Keith up, despite Keith screaming and crying.

              Shiro was dazed under Kuro, in a state between consciousness and a flashback. He couldn’t fight Kuro anymore, even if he wanted, and instead resorted to crying. Kuro’s arms trembled as they held his brother down. Like an animal.

              “Please! No! Stop it! Don’t hurt my daddy! Please don’t hurt him!” Keith’s screams would haunt Kuro for as long as he would. Just as the sound of his older brother sobbing in pain would.

x.V.x

              “Kuro, I’m so, so sorry.” Shiro’s voice was a wreck after all that yelling and crying.

              “What were you thinking Takashi?” Kuro finally managed to say. His brother was sitting up on his bed, sheets pooled around his waist while Kuro sat on the edge of the bed. “You  _know_  the signs. You must have seen something would happen.”

              “I know. I know.”

              “Then why?” Kuro couldn’t forget the way that Shiro had flipped out on them. Or the way that he had screamed to be let go.

              “I couldn’t ruin Keith’s day,” Shiro whispered hoarsely. “Good load that did though. I can’t even look at him.”

              “Takashi…”

              “No, Kuro,  _I terrified my son,”_  Shiro said sharply. “How am I supposed to look at him and tell him everything is okay after he saw his father try to  _kill_  his uncle?”

              “Keith’s smarter than you think Shiro. He’ll understand.”

              “How?! I hurt you! I could have hurt him, or mom and dad, or the other kids!”

              “He understands what happened to your arm, right?” Kuro finally asked, looking at his brother for the first time since Shiro had passed out under him. Shiro looked like death warmed over with bags under his eyes, translucent skin and sweat everywhere.

              Slowly, Shiro nodded.

              “Then you will just have to explain what happens…when soldiers come home. Keith will understand. Sure, he’s scared right now, but not  _of_  you. He’s scared  _for_  you.”

              “Kuro. I – I can’t – I can’t…”

              “It’s okay.” Quietly, Kuro maneuvered himself on the bed so that he was right beside Shiro. “You don’t always have to be okay. You don’t always have to be the strong one. But it’s going to be okay.” After pulling Shiro into a hug, Kuro bit back his own tears when he felt Shiro’s tears soaking through his shirt.

              Eventually, Keith scrambled into the room and threw himself into Shiro’s lap where Shiro apologized over and over to his son. There were many more hours of tears and lots of more hugs but eventually, the three of them had fallen asleep together.

               _They would be okay. They had to be for each other._


End file.
